Brave New World: The semi-epic thoughts of one despairing young swede, lost in a world turning into ashes and dust

(Wednesday, 10 AM)

I struggle a bit with dark thoughts on the future. Not just my personal future (even though that might be called for) but the future of the world (read: poordom, pollution, corruption, war etc). It’s not a phobia. It’s not even fear. Or well, maybe it is fear. On second thought, maybe it’s both. I picture a downward spiral and I can’t stop. Things fall apart. The world we live in is changing and not for the better. Everything is getting more rapid and the individual is lost in the middle of it all. Now, you may say that this is the way it has always been and maybe it is. But maybe it’s not.

This is very odd to me. I think I’m walking on the razors edge because on one hand I feel that it’s not worth investing anything in this world because it’s nasty and dangerous place, full of corruption and hate. On the other hand it’s a challenge to live in a changing world and with danger comes excitement. Still, my life joy is very much dampened at the moment because of the demise that I see all around me.

I used to be a collector. Mint condition? Yes, that was the ticket. Pile after pile of collectibles (CDs, comic books, movies etc). Now, I barely feel like spending anything on anything. Especially not when the black man on the street outside is doing a playback performance (wearing headphones!) to raise money so he can go get himself a dollar cheeseburger at McDonalds. It’s not that we always have to give up the things that make us happy. I just don’t feel like building a castle full of cool stuff in a world that is burning.

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth,
where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.”

Ok, it’s a bible verse (Matt 6:19) and even if you don’t care for those it kinda makes sense, doesn’t it? Sometimes I get scared when I buy something (a guitar? a car?). Scared that it will break or that it will get stolen. The only conclusion I can reach when thinking of this is that all the stuff we gather, in freedom, imprisons us. However, the time or money that you invest in someone else, or in spending time with someone else or even to go some place else – gives you a sense of freedom, doesn’t it?

(Wednesday, 10.30 PM)

I walked out of The Urban Tea Lounge this evening. I had been reading while having a cup of coffee. All of a sudden I heard a man screaming as I was passing by an open door. I got curious and had to look inside. It was a church gathering and I just decided to walk in and so I did. I sat myself down and looked around. The room was “black” as the ace of spades. I, on the other hand, was white as ice. Let’s just say I stood out. I am not poor but I hadn’t shaved in two weeks and I still had my working clothes on. Can’t really say how they perceived me but I was truly the odd man. Like, really.

The worship band consisted of a young man on keyboard and some other kid who sporadically would play the drums (tempo or accuracy had little or nothing to do with his playing). The pastor was on fire, shouting like a dog gone mad. I didn’t understand their African language, but I got it allright. I looked around and saw that everyone there knew that I came in from cold of the street and “the world outside”. The reason they all smiled back at me was to make sure that I felt welcomed. Or even loved. And I did.

Yes, the world is apparently turning into ashes and dust. Some rise above while others don’t. A few stop at nothing to pull another up and that is it.

Nothing else matters.